Sunday, August 17, 2014

Why I'm Struggling to Plan My Wedding

Okay, so I have to talk about this somewhere. I dread planning my wedding. I hate--and have-- to say this. I always thought planning a wedding would be the most exciting thing by looking on Pinterest, Facebook, and talking with most people. I keep having this guilty feeling though when people ask me, "How's the wedding plans coming?" and, "How fun and exciting this is!". My answer starts out with a shaky, "Well.... we don't have a lot done." And I really mean, "I have no idea how, when, or where we will get married because I can't bring myself to plan this thing." The closest we got to planning was putting down a deposit on a venue, but we cancelled and are back to square one.

I should say that most people who know me would agree this is not because I am extremely picky or indecisive (although I can definitely be indecisive). I'm just overwhelmed. I never wanted a big wedding, I don't want to be a princess on my wedding day, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I am becoming increasingly terrified of people making a fuss over me. But probably the biggest reason I am finding it so hard to start planning is because I really don't care. That sounds harsh. I don't mean about the day, because I know the day will be beautiful, I mean about all the little details. I don't care. I said it. And that feels so good. I guess I am too scared to say that to anyone's face (I can picture the shocked looks I would get.) I mean I don't care what flowers I carry, or to have a theme, or what color dresses my bridesmaids would wear, or even to find the perfect dress. I don't care what month or day it is, what side dishes are served, or where the gift table will be. I especially don't care to spend an insane amount of money. I don't care to even talk about all these insignificant details. This makes me feel like a horrible bride-to-be. And even after saying all that, I feel like I would let most people down by telling them these things.

I think I worry, too, about having this day be about everyone else, which in a way is silly. How has such an important day in the lives of two people become about throwing a party for everyone else and showing them how happy and in love they are. I love the idea of honoring family and friends on this day for being a huge, HUGE part in our little love story, but I find myself getting so caught up in how I would make my wedding day enjoyable for everyone, that I become overwhelmed and confused.

I do just want to marry the person I love, the best person I know and the best friend I could ask for. I do look forward to saying my vows to Bruce without them having to mean anything to anyone but us. I do want to be selfish. Just for one day. Twelve hours in the year. I want to wake up late and have coffee with him. I want to take Thor for a walk. I want to relax. I want to be in the exciting bliss of being sooo close to being married with him that day. I want it to be romantic and real and I want to feel like myself.

I guess I want that to be okay with everyone. That I don't know what the right thing for us to do is just yet, although we have a few ideas I like. I want everyone to be just as happy and supportive of us after hearing something like that. Please tell me someone can empathize or reassure me that this is not crazy or abnormal. And even if you can't, I will say that I am lucky to have Bruce to proofread this and tell me "It's perfect."

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